Monday, February 25, 2008

Checkout Lines

The grocery store checkout line may be the death of me. I may literally die one day, waiting in line to pay for the groceries in my basket. Cause of death will be avoidance. I may run out of the usual distractions of gum and hot cheetos, digging in my purse for nothing, and pretending to see the Easter Bunny and just fall down and die just to create a diversion for my children.
What could I possibly be working so hard to avoid, you ask?
Conversations like this.
"Mommy! I didn't know Jamie Lynn Spears was married."
"No, baby, she's not married."
"Well then, how can she have a baby if she's not married?" Wide, innocent, unadulterated eyes staring back at me.
I pretend I can't hear her over the buzzing of florescent lights.
"Mom!"
"Yes, sweetie."
"How can she have a baby if she's not married?"
"Well..um..you see...sometimespeoplehavebabieseven
whenthey'renotmarriedbutit'snothowGodintendedit
tobeandifyoueverdosomethinglikethatyourdaddy
willhaveaheartattackanddieandyouwillhavetolive
withtheguilt. Do you want some Bubbalicious?"
In Heaven, I bet the grocery store checkout aisles are lined with only Highlights magazines.
And the Bible. Highlights and the Bible.
And hot cheetos.

11 comments:

cristimboyle said...

I am not looking forward to that stage! Right now my girls just like to point out other people's body parts which is embarrassing enough. "Look mom, her boobs are huge. Do you see them? Mom! Do you see them!!" I have yet to figure out an appropriate response!

Farmboy and Buttercup said...

OK, again, you crack me up. After just one day of checking out your blog, I am moving you into my favorites. Feel honored. Or not...

Jen said...

hahahahahaha...that was hilarious!

emily said...

We had the same conversation about little miss Jamie Lynn the other day- I'm sure this will give the cousins something fun to talk about! They need to start putting the black plastic covers on People and US Weekly like they do the porn at 7-11 for the mothers with young, innocent children at grocery stores!!

DidiLyn said...

Oh Melissa, this breaks my heart. Why oh why do we have to be the ones to shatter the innocence.
I'm sorry. (But you are still funny)
Diane

Amy Beth @ Ministry So Fabulous! said...

Funny and yet sad at the same time.

Candy said...

Great lead-in to life in a fallen world. SIN abounds but grace is greater still!
Loving you,
C
Look forward to one on cavities and pedodontists!!

Abbie said...

And Tide pens. Heaven will DEFINITELY have tide pens in it's checkout lines.

JB said...

Aaaaahh! I am always hiding my People/Us Weekly when I have a kiddo in my car. One time my niece picked it up and started reading the headlines out loud and I just sat there in shame...I had to tell her they were silly adult magazines and she should ALWAYS stick with intelligent reading. :) I lead by example...

Kimmie said...

Oh man, there won't be a checkout line in heaven will there?

;-) Guess it has been a loooong winter for me, I can't even get my mind around that.

Well...I am sure it won't get flashing signs (meaning you're in the wrong line, again) and the cashier who looks at you like your from another planet when you try to be friendly with them...

Kimmie
mama to 6
one homemade and 5 adopted

weeklybob said...

Wow! We are still not there. Scarey when that happens. ( my kids have no Idea who Jamie Lynn is) but I have boys. so...
My biggest nightmare at the checkout is a checkwrited in the express!!!