It's been a long day at the end of a long week over here in the hood.
I'm not really feeling very blogfull but my mother-in-law told me it was time for me to do a new post and, well, that's pretty much all it took. I'm a people pleaser to the core and am still vying for the award for Daughter-in-Law of the Year, 2008. Speaking of, don't get any wild ideas out there and do something crazy like donate an organ to your mother-in-law to try to out-do me. I'd really like to lock this one up early and don't need any overachievers stealing my crown.
Anywho, back to life. I have to be honest, it's been better. Someone wrote somewhere that I can't remember that it's wise not to blog while emotional. That could account for the week between posts.
West Dallas public schools were out last week and the police were out in full force the last day trying to maintain order at the high school. It is a day notorious for large fights and general chaos. It was a step up from last year when they had to bring paddy wagons out to load up all the unruly students. I guess they thought there had been some improvements on the part of the children and left the paddy wagons at the station this year.
That was Thursday, and thankfully, the last day came and went with very little incident. At home, though, I was wading up to my unusually large earlobes in angst.
I love our life most days and can even see it as a beautiful calling a good 82.6% of the time. But, there are those times when I feel like I'm caving under the weight of the raising of my own children, let alone two more and then some. What are we going to do all summer? How can I keep up with everyone? Can I leave for the day and trust that the older boys won't have a ton of friends in and eat the food that was supposed to stretch all week?
And then, how can I be so selfish when maybe they're friends are hungry because their refrigerators are empty and their mommas are sleeping off another night shift.
Why will they wear their best clothes to school or the mall but put on their rattiest for worship? What's on those Mp3 players they're listening to all the time and how much say do we have in the music they're listening to? I know how I'd feel if they were mine and I'd had 14 years to pour into them but, we've been thrown into the proverbial woods here and don't want to lose the forest for the trees.
I feel so ridiculous writing this and as I read it back it's screaming, "ASK THEM. TALK TO THEM. BE HONEST WITH THEM."
We do, we have, we are. It's just not as easy as I thought it would be.
They grew up in a neighborhood where it was fun to break 88 windows in the school on graduation night.
Where someone would break into a ministry to steal 4 times in one week and our family has to lose time with my husband, and the kids' daddy again so he can go find out what was stolen.
Where I can go for a run and find a friend's credit card lying in the grass who's purse was stolen from her car across town the day before.
I know it's about the transformation of the heart. It's about the fruit that will come to bear that we may not have the privilege of seeing anytime soon. It's pointing even one child to the Cross of Grace and letting go of control so you can rest in the One who really has it. There are just days, or weeks where I'm tired of the crime, the trash, the attitudes, and the dirty Wal-Mart bathrooms that I know don't exist in any other Wal-Mart in town.
There are days I just want to be normal, and upwardly mobile, and quite frankly, a really good singer.
I know I have not been called to any of those things and if I'm brutally honest sometimes I think God made a giant error in judgment. I lack wisdom, discernment, patience, and can't sing to save my life. Even if I could dance it would help but, I'm lost there, too.
I am, however, a child of the Living God who is the Author and, more encouraging to me today, Perfector of my faith. It is He who promises to shelter me in the shadow of His wing, to lead me to streams of living water and restore my soul.
That is alone my hope and assurance.
Thank you Lord, for your faithfulness when I have none...and please give me something funny to write about tomorrow so my friends don't get depressed and take me off of their blogrolls.