Wednesday, January 21, 2009

When fiction crosses dangerously over into reality.

Over the Christmas break, I indulged myself in some reading that was, how should I put this, a little on the fluffy side. In about ten days, I read the the entire Twilight saga. Twilight, have any of ya'll heard of it?


Ok, in order to get to the place I'm going in this post, I need to give you a little background on the story. If you already know what it's all about, go to your happy place for just a minute and I'll meet you in a paragraph or two below.

Twilight is a story about this vampire, Edward, who has sworn himself off of all human blood and instead is somewhat of a 'vegetarian' as vampires go. Trouble comes a callin' when he meets Bella, a human girl and finds that, "her scent, to him, is a drug". His words, not mine.

Anyway, he falls impossibly in love with her because he literally can't stay away from her and the story goes on from there for about 45,000 pages. All of which I mentally digested just a few short weeks ago. All the while eating Marshmallo Creme and Nutella on bread. There you have it.

So here's my dilemma. If you went to your happy place, please come back. I need you.

Trey has begun a fast. We're praying about lots of things having to do with Mercy Street and possibly starting a church and he felt called to fast at the same time. I was a wuss and abstained. Not from the praying part, but from the whole giving up food thing. He and some of his friends are basically eating only a vegan diet for twenty-one days. No meat, no dairy, and did I mention, no meat?

Um, does anyone besides me remember this post? You know, the one where he listed his top five favorite things and MEAT made list but neither me or Jesus did? Yeah, that one.

Ok, so you're probably wondering what any of this has to do with Twilight, right? I'm getting there, I promise.

I'm really generally pretty secure in our marriage but there's something with this whole fasting thing that makes me worry a little. Could Trey possibly meet someone who's scent is a drug to him? Insert dramatic gasp.

Maybe someone wearing...dum, dum, dum...this?
This, my friends is FLAME. My arch nemisis. It's developed by Burger King, home of "The WHOPPER®, America’s favorite burger. FLAME captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Are they kidding me???? If he comes within ten feet of someone wearing this stuff, will he crumble like a house of cards under the temptation? I mean, I'm pretty sure all the Lime Basil and Mandarin in the world couldn't hold a candle to one spritz of this stuff.
No offense, Jo.

I'm thinking my only hope is to fight FLAME with fire. And if you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly.

I've fried a whole skillet of bacon and bottled up the drippings. Along with a little lipstick, I'm planning on dabbing a little behind each ear just before he gets home from work every day. I'm pretty sure no one else will want to stand next to me but that's just a small sacrifice I'm willing to make for my meat-lovin'-turned-vegan-for-three-weeks-man.

What else? What am I missing? If you have any other suggestions, I'm all ears. Bacon ears.


Christy@pipandsqueak said...

Sam has always said that if perfume makers knew what they were doing all women's fragrances would be things like BBQ and steak because that is what turns a man on, not flowers. I actually contacted a candle company about making a BBQ scent for me and they were not interested.

Twilight - I am 2/3 of the way through book 2.

Kim said...

You just kill me! LOL

I just read somewhere that men can give up food easier than women. Your case proves their thesis.

Henley on the Horn said...

You are just hilarious!!! I hope you didn't fry up maple bacon, as its scent is more like urine!

Jess said...

Wash your hair in a little A1. That's right. That'll get him!

Sarah said...

Just make sure that you don't go out of your house, or your life might turn into that nut you know the one? Where that beauty-challenged woman rubs nuts all over herself and walks around town, with men falling over her. :-)

P.S. I have no attraction to the Twilight craze....I hate vampire-ish things. And I am very perplexed by your family's love for Nutella. I tried it as a pre-teen and threw up in my mouth a little. But I have too many other obsessions to list, so I suppose I cannot judge...... :-)

Paul and DeeDee said...

Ahh yes, Flame...I know it too well. My husband picked it up at a White Elephant party. And it really does smell like a Whopper. You are more than welcome to our bottle:)

Angela said...

Wow!! My husband and I just finished our 21 day fast today--I even blogged about it, some, and what went down during it!! How Awesome to see Trey going to God with his ALL!! I promise it was worth it!!


Kelley said...

I have several comments to make & questions (about the whole Twilight thing) (I didn't know you had read that?) Annie says she is the only one she knows in her grade who has not gotten to read it! What was your opinion?
Anyway, did you know that I just finished my 3rd Daniel Fast today? The 21 day fast you are talking about. I cannot tell you how awesome they have been for me! This one was for sure my hardest one for some reason. Joey did this one with me. We started it on New Years Day. I can honestly say they have now made me love to fast! And I would not have said that in a million years before. A one day fast was tough for me. So, I am excited for Trey doing it. Know it will be beneficial. Any smell of meat will drive him wild! I am going to have a huge cheeseburger tonight for dinner! Yea!

Robin Dodd Photography said...

Men and lack of food is not pretty... LOL... I am reading Eclipse right now, and stayed up a little too late flipping the pages like a madwoman... What is this with the Twilight thing!!! I've got Breaking Dawn waiting downstairs, can't wait!!

Jess said...

No fasting wisdom here. I just thought that last spray was a room freshener. A family I used to work for had it in the bathroom. One squirt covers up ANYTHING! Actually, that may help when coming off the vegan diet.

Angela said...

"If you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly"- my new quote of the week! Let your man do his thing! Stop trying to entice him with beefy aromas. This may be the strangest post I've ever read. Too funny!

Michelle said...

ok, so I'm very behind in the blog reading and am just getting to this, laughing hysterically....I just finished the last of the Twilight books, and am a little sad it's over. What other 752 page book can you read in 2 days?? I mean really. And I have so many questions about so many characters...

Anyway, how's it going in the meat-aroma department?? Last night I was out running errands (very exciting Friday night)and drove by a steak place..OMG, the smell was amazing. Maybe pay a steakhoue server to wear your shirt for a shift or two, then you can wear it and smell all steak-y....