Over the Christmas break, I indulged myself in some reading that was, how should I put this, a little on the fluffy side. In about ten days, I read the the entire Twilight saga. Twilight, have any of ya'll heard of it?
Ok, in order to get to the place I'm going in this post, I need to give you a little background on the story. If you already know what it's all about, go to your happy place for just a minute and I'll meet you in a paragraph or two below.
Twilight is a story about this vampire, Edward, who has sworn himself off of all human blood and instead is somewhat of a 'vegetarian' as vampires go. Trouble comes a callin' when he meets Bella, a human girl and finds that, "her scent, to him, is a drug". His words, not mine.
Anyway, he falls impossibly in love with her because he literally can't stay away from her and the story goes on from there for about 45,000 pages. All of which I mentally digested just a few short weeks ago. All the while eating Marshmallo Creme and Nutella on bread. There you have it.
So here's my dilemma. If you went to your happy place, please come back. I need you.
Trey has begun a fast. We're praying about lots of things having to do with Mercy Street and possibly starting a church and he felt called to fast at the same time. I was a wuss and abstained. Not from the praying part, but from the whole giving up food thing. He and some of his friends are basically eating only a vegan diet for twenty-one days. No meat, no dairy, and did I mention, no meat?
Um, does anyone besides me remember this post? You know, the one where he listed his top five favorite things and MEAT made list but neither me or Jesus did? Yeah, that one.
Ok, so you're probably wondering what any of this has to do with Twilight, right? I'm getting there, I promise.
I'm really generally pretty secure in our marriage but there's something with this whole fasting thing that makes me worry a little. Could Trey possibly meet someone who's scent is a drug to him? Insert dramatic gasp.
Maybe someone wearing...dum, dum, dum...this?
This, my friends is FLAME. My arch nemisis. It's developed by Burger King, home of "The WHOPPER®, America’s favorite burger. FLAME captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."
Are they kidding me???? If he comes within ten feet of someone wearing this stuff, will he crumble like a house of cards under the temptation? I mean, I'm pretty sure all the Lime Basil and Mandarin in the world couldn't hold a candle to one spritz of this stuff.
No offense, Jo.
I'm thinking my only hope is to fight FLAME with fire. And if you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly.
I've fried a whole skillet of bacon and bottled up the drippings. Along with a little lipstick, I'm planning on dabbing a little behind each ear just before he gets home from work every day. I'm pretty sure no one else will want to stand next to me but that's just a small sacrifice I'm willing to make for my meat-lovin'-turned-vegan-for-three-weeks-man.
What else? What am I missing? If you have any other suggestions, I'm all ears. Bacon ears.