Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dear Flu,

I thought we had a deal. I would not buy into the flu "marketing propaganda". I would not get flu shots and would call them, loud enough for other people to hear, "non-sense". I would bring chicken soup and Milk Duds (again, very medicinal) to my friends who became victims of your viciousness, and nod sympathetically when they told of the horrors you brought to their homes and, especially, their carpet. In return, you would leave my family alone. You would pass over my house leaving us, and our carpet unscathed.

You, my viral friend, in the words of the great Elf, "...sit on a throne of lies!"

You have dropped in for a visit and I wasn't expecting compn'y.

To be more specific, I was totally unprepared. I had no Sprite, no Tylenol, and no homemade Chicken Soup in my freezer. (Ok, that one really isn't a big deal because my kids would take Ramen over homemade chicken soup any day.) And NO MILKDUDS!

You also must be capable of sadistic mind control because, instead of going to my precious pediatrician who would hug me, nod sympathetically, and load me up with free samples, I went to the "Minute Clinic" and got NONE OF THE ABOVE!

What I did get was charged for the one child who you've actually infected and then for each member of our family who has been exposed and needs to be treated. Hello, FLU! Do you know how to add? THAT'S EIGHT! And unless you've been living on the school drinking fountain or in a petri dish, you'd know we're in an economic recession!!!!

AAARRRRGGGHHH!!

Are you also aware that, in those "Minute Clinics", they have to take everyone's vitals before they'll give you a prescription? That means putting everyone on a scale. Have you ever weighed yourself in front of four children who think anything over 75 pounds is HUGE? Of course you haven't, you don't weigh anything, your a small bunch of cells. Well, let me paint a picture for you, flu. They run through the CVS Pharmacy yelling how much their mom weighs and singing the song from Madagascar 2, "I like 'em big, I like 'em chunky. I like 'em round, I like 'em plumpy!"

Oh, the horrors!

Flu, I thought we had an understanding but you have broken your end of the bargain. You have darkened my door and I have not enjoyed your visit.

I hate to do this but, in the only words of Christian Bale fit to print on a family-friendly blog: Flu, you and I are DONE professionally!

DONE.

Sincerely,
HoodMama

*

12 comments:

Henley on the Horn said...

You are too much. Thankfully that song does not pertain to you!! HOwever, I would have broken the scale!! Hilarious. I am so sorry you are sick. If I lived near you, I'd bring you some saltines, a diet coke, and a hug. I hope you stay well & hugs to your sick one!

Lori said...

So sorry you all have the flu! It has been going around on this side of town along with strep. We have managed to avoid it so far but one of the prep academys near us cancelled several events because the majority of the students had the flu! And it's not even the same strain that they were giving flu shots for! Good luck! Praying you all get well soon!

S. said...

That stinks--sorry you are all sick. And...I think that maybe my 8-yr. old weighs more than you, judging from the pictures. But I feel your pain!

Coneymama said...

Oh Mr. Flu and his cousin "Strep" have been hovering in and around my house like evil spirits since December. They were not invited, although I was feeling fine and so was everyone else until I got a flu shot and was the the NEXT day! Everyone says, oh you were already sick, its not from the shot....well, I beg to differ! Thankfully the evil spirts have been banished from the Coney home and apparently moved to your hood. Take care...it will get better, but only after serious thoughts of taking your last breath!

Abby said...

ohhh....that is awful.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.(i know, you're not laughing.)

Colored With Memories said...

only you could make the flu funny...

i have some milkduds...left over from the kid's stockings...as in DEC 08...want me to send them w/jerry?!?

;)

hope you are feeling better soon!

Kate said...

OOOH NOOOO!!! Not the dreaded flu bug.....so sorry friend!! The nerve of that darn flu.....that's it, I'm not friends with him either!! Hmpf! :{

Sitesx6 said...

Oh Lord have mercy upon me.

I've been reading your blog for two years, and it is posts like this that keep me commin' back for more.

Sorry to laugh about your FLU antics,but heavens...you are just so funny.

"I like em' big...I like em' chunky" ha ha ha ha!!! We just watched that movie and that was by far, the best part!

Hope you all feel better soon. (In Michigan we don't say Ya'll) :) (but I deep down want to break the rules of the North East and do it anyway)

HA HA HA HA....still laughing.

PinkLemonade said...

Please, please write a book...

These Three Kings said...

AGHHHH!!!! so sorry!!
just gettting over sickness here too!!
I am praying for you guys, that is not fun...email me your home address ..again

mrsnicolek@yahoo.com

Robin Dodd Photography said...

From someone who has been to Walgreens a total of 5 times for" kleenose" as my girls call it, this week and various other nasal spray, pills and mucinex for 10 dollars only to find a brand new bottle in the kitchen cabinet later that day.. I HEAR YA! Not since the spring of 92 when I lived in downtown DALLAS have I suffered from allergies like this!!! CALGON!!! Hope you all are well soon!

Love from Cashville,

Robin

Michelle said...

Ugh! Hope it all passess quickly...