Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Instructions for Nanny.


The countdown has officially begun and in just a few short hours, the complete and total care of our six children will be in your and Bunty's hands while Trey and I are frolicking on a secluded beach somewhere close to the equator with fruity drinks in our hands.  Or at a conference in Ohio.  Same difference - at least that's what I keep telling myself.

While we're gone, I thought you might like some instruction as to the routine of our children.  Basically, you know it already but who doesn't like a little point of reference.  Kind of an 'In Case of Emergency Break Glass' kind of thing.

1.  I have taken the liberty of laying out clothes and uniforms for each of the children for the next five days.  I do this, not because my children are incapable of picking out their own clothes, but because Sadie has developed a little quirk where she finds the ugliest, most uncoordinated pieces of clothing in her closet and puts them on together.  With boots.

If I only picked out her clothes, she would know somethings up and rebel against you, against me, and against the fashion world as we know it.

2. The school bus (your car) should leave promptly at 7:30 in the morning to, a. get the kids to school on time, and b. not have Graham's head pop off.

He likes himself some routine.

3. You know about carpool pick-up.  And for the love of Pete, don't talk on your cellphone in carpool line.  If caught, well, I don't even want to think about what could happen but I will say it involves public humiliation and flogging.

4. I didn't actually have time to go to the grocery store before we left so there's some Ramen and Frosted Flakes in the pantry.  It should get you through the first four days.

5. Dea and Darius may have a friend (or 16) over.  You will be amazed at the number of 6'1" basketball players that can fit into their room.  Or how much they can eat.

And, although they appear to be permanent fixtures, Bull and Sebastian both have homes to which they can go.  You may have to point them in the general direction, but they do have homes.  Actually, Bull's is the one with the bullet hole through the front window where someone missed the car they were firing at last night.  On second thought, maybe he should just stay here.

6. The wet spot on the carpet was not Scout.  It was a Diet Coke debacle.

7. As much as the kids pester and beg, you are under no obligation to take them in the middle of the night to toilet paper any of their friends' houses.

8. The children are lice free.  There is a small arsenal of lice paraphanalia in the master bathroom if you should need it or if anyone you know should need it.

In case of lice outbreak (highly unlikely), our cell phones will automatically shut off.  Please call Carey or Renea.  They are both experts.

9. In case of Swine Flu outbreak, please refer to #8.

10. Sadie has a birthday party at 2:00 on Saturday.  She does not have to dress up as dress-up clothes will thankfully be provided.  (See #1) She also does not have a gift but Layne understands that she will be getting a far better and fancier gift from Ohio upon our return.  Or, if I forget, Target.  It's o.k.  She can't read.

Graham also has a birthday party on Saturday.  He also does not have a gift to take.  I will get one when I get home and it will be FABULOUS.  Zachary can read.

11. Apparently, don't overload the washing machine.  It will turn on you.

12. Yes, my car always smells like that.

13. So does Olivia's closet.

14. The animals need to be fed.  The kids are responsible for that - they know what to do.  If they forget, Scout will follow you around, as an ambassador for the rest of the animals, and bug the fire out of you until you feed her.

15. Trash day is Thursday. It's Tee's job.  If he argues or whines, start reducing his allowance in $.50 increments.  It's fast and effective.

16.  That noise is gunfire.

17. That noise is a rooster.

18. If you hear #17 quickly followed by #16, and then don't hear #17 anymore, the neighborhood has officially gone to hell in a handbasket.  Pack your things and get the heck outta dodge.

Have fun!!!  Thank you!!!!


Deidra said...

I love what you write. Always.

Cole said...

Hahaha! Fabulous list!

Henley on the Horn said...

Oh, I chuckled out loud on this one. How you jest. I can't wait to hear Candy's response!!!!! Nanny and Bunty, you've got your work cut out for you! I'm glad I don't live close enough to be called up to pick out nits. Have fun at your conference! Be sure to pack the Diet Cokes & milk duds. Never mind, security won't let you pack the DC so go for the duds instead.

and 2 became 5 said...

Have a blast! And thanks for making me feel real normal with the items stocked in your pantry & i'm taking this as permission to allow my kids to live on those items for the next 4 days.

emily said...

Have a great time! They are in good hands- think we all turned out o.k. :)

Joyce said...

Have a great trip....I too love reading here. I'm pretty sure you have a book in you!

happygeek said...

I LOVE it.

Sitesx6 said...

Where do I sign up?


Grateful for Grace said...

Oh, my stinkin' heck! Hilarious.

I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip.

Candy said...

OK, Candy here-- the one in charge!! Though she jests in this post, she has shown little confidence in my ability to tend her flock while they're away. So far, so good! It's 10:30 a.m. the first day-- they left at 7! How hard can it be???


P.S. We're up at Mercy Street. Staff Prayer. It's raining in Dallas. Graham and Sadie, who were coloring in the library, have just come in soaking wet. They were "wunning in the wain" as Sadie said. Off to get dry clothes.

Caroline said...

Melissa, hope you guys have a great time away! I'm coming home this weekend and may just come by your house to see Candy! I'll check and make sure she is following all your instructions:) Sad I'll miss you!

Punky said...

Melissa, Trey - y'all have a blast. I might try to zip out and shoot some video of Nanny and Bunty's excellent adventures in the Hood. Can't wait to hear all the details!! xo - P

Anonymous said...

I know it's all kinds of wrong, but this cracked me up! You have such an amazing sense of humor. And I agree with the other commenter,I KNOW you have a book or 12 in you. :) Hope you enjoy your trip and that you can handle all that quiet. ;)


Kim said...

Have a good time away and try not to call home every hour to check on the kids. lol

Oh wait, that's someone else. You're turning your phone OFF, right?! :-)

I'm sure everyone will do just fine in your absence. Just enjoy the time away.

Karin Katherine said...

That list is pretty awesome and I dare so I'm up for the task. Well, except for the carpool line and bus service. But I can make up for that with homeschooling and science projects.

You know where to find me.
Alternatively, you can come here and chill at the pool. The patio furniture arrived and I'm now auditioning pool boys!