Friday, March 5, 2010

Stalker

Part of living in a big city, or actually living for that matter, is the threat of someone developing an obsession with you and beginning to stalk you.  

Folks, I believe I have a stalker and, frankly, I'm getting a little scared. 

It all started last Spring when a "friend" dragged me at the crack of dawn out of my bed and into the torture chamber  called Bootcamp. 

I almost died. But I went the next week just to prove I ain't no sissy. I almost died again and, seeing how I'm not a cat, I decided I needed to be a little leas willy-Billy about how I spend those lives. 

I stopped going to bootcamp but the stalker, a.k.a. "fitness expert", just wouldn't leave me be. 

In the darkness of winter, I really believed I'd shaken her. Perhaps shed found another victim. But then, this morning, just as the trees began to bud with the promise of Spring, this came. 

"Hey bootcampers! The nice weather is back so were starting up Saturday Bootcamps again!!...Im giving everyone a couple weeks to mentally prepare." 

Do you hear her menacing tone?

"We will plan on having our first one back on Saturday March 20th at 7am."

Is that a threat?  Did you notice how she uses a sweet, encouraging tone to try and conceal her rage?

"Thanks to all and I hope to see you there in 2 weeks to get ready for swimsuit season!"

Great, now she's threatening my family with violence.   

What should I do?  Do I involve the authorities or will it provoke her even more?

She scares me. 

Ok, on a serious note that doesn't involve swimsuit season (shudder), the Pinkston Varsity Basketball team is going, for the first time ever, to Regional Playoffs tonight!  Darius isnon the team and we're ready to cheer them on to victory. 

He's made me promise not to bring my airhorn. Or my cheerleading uniform. 

Yeah, right, like I ever had one of those.

7 comments:

Holli said...

I say turn her in!!! Not only for stalking but it is a TOTAL CRIMINAL to mention swim suits in the first week of March.... 911!!!

Henley on the Horn said...

I don't know what to tell you. Stalkers are scary people. If you contact her, she'll think you like her. If you ignore her, it'll just make her made and she'll make repeated attempts to get your attention. I'm glad we don't live in the same city b/c I have a feeling you'd send her my way!

Jess said...

DANG. I have a stalker as well. Her name is Target. She CANNOT stay away from me. She makes my car turn when I try to pass her by. She emails me weekly with her "sales" add and updates me on her lovely material possessions, making me lust after them. Go away stalkers!!!

But seriously...Don't think you have ANYTHING to worry about when it comes to swim suit season. I can say this because I know and have seen you in person.
:)

Mary Flo said...

Go Pinkston!!!Good luck, Darius!!

Becca said...

haha I love you. A lot. and I'll tell you if anyone threatened me with exercise and swimsuit season in the same season, I'd run far away. and yay for Darius! :-)

Zan said...

Stalker: "Dear Bootcampers, The wea...
Me: {Delete}. Problem solved.

Process Mapping Blog said...

Melissa,
I have a picture of you in a cheerleader uniform with the cowboy boot and hat... If you contribute to my retirement fund the picture will go away...

We will negotiate the picture of you reading the newspaper as retirement date approaches.

Love you,
DAD