Oh, my stars. As I write this, my beautiful children are perusing my yearbook that I've pulled out in anticipation for my reunion this weekend.
The comments are priceless.
"Mom! You looked nothing like you do now! You look so...so...YOUNG!"
"Was everyone's hair that big?"
"Look at you! Look at your jeans!"
If I owned a scanner, I would totally show you what they're talking about. Since I don't, let me just give you a mental picture.
My Senior picture was taken by the skilled photographers at Glamour Shots.
OH, YES I DID, GIRL! YES, I DID!
I was wearing a leather bomber jacket, giant gold earrings, my hair was HUGE, I was unusually tan, and I had a pink light shining behind my head to match the bright pink lipstick I was wearing.
It was not pretty, not pretty at all.
The good thing is that my classmates' expectations that I might look any better than I did in high school are extraordinarily low. I mean, forget the pressure, I could just use less hairspray and wear normal color eyeshadow and it would be 1000% of an improvement. Glass half-full, people. Half-full.
Anyway, we'll be glad to get away this weekend because our house has become infested with house flys. Flies. However you spell it.
I am convinced it's all the kids going in and out in the afternoons and leaving the door wide open like they were born in a daggum barn or something. I've totally said that and confirmed that I am my mother's child.
It was so bad the other day that my friend was scouring my kitchen sure they were breeding in my house. Silent vomit. They are not. And her son asked, "Mrs. Hill, did you, like, BUY flies or something?"
I've cleaned my fingers to the bone with orange scented Pine-Sol because they hate that, I've planted basil outside my doors because they hate that, sung that "Shoo Fly" song all the live long day, and I've hung ziploc bags full of water and pennies outside my house to scare them - and everyone else who might walk up - away. It's humiliating. Trey won't even claim he lives here.
Nothing is working!!!
WHY ARE THEY BOTHERING ME?!!? What can I do? I need your advice people! ADVICE! I swear we are clean and do not have any livestock living or dead on our property. Would you please give me any tips as well as your home address so I can come live with you if your remedies don't work?
I lost you on that last part, didn't I?