Thursday, June 10, 2010

Shoo Fly, Don't Bother Me.

Oh, my stars.  As I write this, my beautiful children are perusing my yearbook that I've pulled out in anticipation for my reunion this weekend.

The comments are priceless.

"Mom!  You looked nothing like you do now!  You look so...so...YOUNG!"

"Was everyone's hair that big?"

"Look at you!  Look at your jeans!"

If I owned a scanner, I would totally show you what they're talking about.  Since I don't, let me just give you a mental picture.

My Senior picture was taken by the skilled photographers at Glamour Shots. 

OH, YES I DID, GIRL!  YES, I DID!

I was wearing a leather bomber jacket, giant gold earrings, my hair was HUGE, I was unusually tan, and I had a pink light shining behind my head to match the bright pink lipstick I was wearing.

It was not pretty, not pretty at all.

The good thing is that my classmates' expectations that I might  look any better than I did in high school are extraordinarily low.  I mean, forget the pressure, I could just use less hairspray and wear normal color eyeshadow and it would be 1000% of an improvement.  Glass half-full, people.  Half-full.

Anyway, we'll be glad to get away this weekend because our house has become infested with house flys.  Flies.  However you spell it.

I am convinced it's all the kids going in and out in the afternoons and leaving the door wide open like they were born in a daggum barn or something.  I've totally said that and confirmed that I am my mother's child. 

It was so bad the other day that my friend was scouring my kitchen sure they were breeding in my house.  Silent vomit.  They are not.  And her son asked, "Mrs. Hill, did you, like, BUY flies or something?"

I've cleaned my fingers to the bone with orange scented Pine-Sol because they hate that, I've planted basil outside my doors because they hate that, sung that "Shoo Fly" song all the live long day, and I've hung ziploc bags full of water and pennies outside my house to scare them - and everyone else who might walk up - away.  It's humiliating.  Trey won't even claim he lives here.

Nothing is working!!!

WHY ARE THEY BOTHERING ME?!!?  What can I do?  I need your advice people!  ADVICE!  I swear we are clean and do not have any livestock living or dead on our property.  Would you please give me any tips as well as your home address so I can come live with you if your remedies don't work? 

I lost you on that last part, didn't I?

Darn.

16 comments:

happygeek said...

When I get flies, it is often from my plants. Seriously. I seem unable to grow things without attracting flies. One time they reproduced in my basil. Yes, it is sad. Otherwise, I have no idea.

Knittinchick said...

Seeing that Happygeek and I are related... often I find that throwing out my 'perfect-for-banana-cake' bananas helps minimize the amount of breeding locations for those stupid-headed flies.

Holli said...

I think you need another pet... a HUGE FLY EATING ONE!!!
-yep I am your friend... at least on FB! :)

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Have you called an Exorcist? Because this happened in Amityville Horror too.

Okay, if the local PCA exorcist is on sabbatical, which he always is when I try and call about my daughter, you can try these.

http://www.amazon.com/INSTANT-MOVEABLE-MESH-SCREEN-DOOR/dp/B002BU8D06

They are super tacky but cheap, kinda like Glamour Shots, but we used to get mosquitoes on your fly level and this totally worked.

Jill said...

If you are talking FLIES, or like Fruitflies???? If they are the little annoying fruitflies that seem to never ever go away once they have come....the best idea and rememdy I found was always leaving your drains covered. I used an old butter lid turned upside down. They died off after I started doing that... I think they were multiplying by laying eggs in the drips of water inside edge of the drain. Just sharing... hey have you tried the frizzled skittles??? They take me right back to the old ZOTS candy. Try them!

Henley on the Horn said...

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you have something dead in your walls. Does it smell? You totally could have a dead squirrel (or one of the snake's mice??) dead in your wall. It happened to my friend. I wish I was as funny as your friend, Missy. If you two open a comedy show, I want front row seats!

Becca said...

Oh man, I know exactly how you feel - when we're at camp it's HORRIBLE - we have all sorts of NASTY fly strips FULL of dead flies hanging everywhere. Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse, the flies or the sticky fly strips hung right at hair level. yuck.

But they help. We usually have someone fan our meals for us as well, that way the flies cant land on our food for too long. Gag.

Grace said...

I am seriously an expert on this. We have a lot of flies in India. Take a small bowl and put a squirt of dish soap, a teaspoon of sugar, a tablespoon of vinegar and 1/2 c or so of water. It makes your kitchen smell like salad dressing, but the flies fly into it and die. It's sort of satisfying because you can wake up in the morning, check the bowl and count your kills.

CarlySue said...

I have NOTHING To say in comparison to others, but this:

3230 Maple Ave #482

Bring it. I've got wine.

Sarah said...

OK, you know I told you that we have flies too, so that you should totally blame geography and not yourself. Perhaps it's just that our neighborhood is built... nevermind, I can't think of a good way to end that sentence. I am, however, VERY excited to try what GRACE suggested, because instinctively you know that flies in India have got to be more hardcore than sad little US flies.

So here's to a bowl of dead flies in the morning... Of all the things I wouldn't have expected to hear myself saying...

Shauna said...

Get a cat. We have flies, but our cat hunts them down & kills them. But make sure it's a fly-eating cat. If that fails, try a turkey. Turkeys eat flies too. But chickens are too lazy and just watch them fly by. Besides, they kinda attract the flies...because, well...use your imagination.
So yeah, definitely get a cat. Or a turkey. :oP

Melissa said...

I have been following your blog for a couple of months now. I think my pastor, Walter Henegar, knows you. We live in Atlanta and he mentioned a family that moved into the hood that sounded a lot like your family. I have not had a chance to ask him if you are the family, but I think you are. Do you know him?

Donna said...

Uh, I feel for you! We had the same problem and each summer they try to return. I got fly trap bags at the hardware store, non-toxic, hang them outside, caught a ton of flies BUT it is nasty when you have to throw it out. Believe it or not, a fly swatter really is the best thing. Buy 10 and let the kids go nuts. A nickle a fly! And then I had to clean out the trash cans, window sills, anywhere they "gulp" laid their eggs. I used Windex to spray in the sills. Good luck!

coneymama said...

I'm with Henley on this...you have something dead somewhere...is your house on a slab or pier/beam? If it is on PB, check under the house. Good luck...been there and done that.

Lisa said...

Ok.... I feel your pain!!!!! We had the same problem a few years ago & unfortunately, we DID have a dead rodent in our attic or something! BUT, we called the exterminator....because there were hundreds flying all over the place..... Totally gross! He threw some kind of pellet looking stuff all over the attic & they went away in a day or two!!! Apparently, they use this in barns to keep the flies away from the livestock...who knew....I am a city girl! Hope this helps!!!

kaseye said...

We just had the same with the small fruit flies. We set out a glass of wine (shhh . . . we are baptist) and they killed themselves in it. It was kind of fun seeing how many were dead in it.
Now we have big flies surrounding our house. So, I am trying to spray down all the areas with water/bleach combination. I think they are attracted to all the Gatorade, popsicles and every other sticky thing that the kids spill and leave sitting out.