Monday, July 11, 2011

Nip and Tuck - er.

One day, maybe one day, I'll learn.

One day, maybe I'll learn that dog grooming is not one of my gifts. In fact, grooming a dog most certainly works outside of my gifting.

Do any of you remember this post? The one where I thought I could groom my dog to look like one that might be a contender in the Westminster Dog Show? FAIL.

I vowed never, no never try to groom my dog again. Like I've told my children for years, cutting hair requires a license. Even if it's dog hair.

I lied to myself, people. Lied. I vowed and then broke my vow. It's the same thing I did last year when I vowed to stop drinking Diet Cokes for a week and then drank Diet Cokes. All week.

This time, though, I thougt was different. Totally, completely different because, although I vowed to never groom my dog again, Olivia's dog doesn't really qualify as a.) mine because, you know, the whole, "it's Olivia's dog" thing and b.) Tucker is so small. So tiny and miniscule, he barely even qualifies as a dog. Really, how hard could it be?

Which brings me to my main reason for wanting to groom him all homemade like. He's like, five pounds soaking wet and do you know what those 'grooming professionals' with their fancy licenses and scissors want to charge me to give him a measly little haircut. Forty-eight American dollars.


Well, that's just stupid. I cooked his weight in pasta for dinner last night.

So, all undignified like, I thought we could do this. Right? We're a team, right? YES! YES, WE ARE!

Olivia, Sadie, and I locked ourselves in my bathroom armed with a leash, scissors, and a piece of cheese.

Oh, and Tucker. Tucker was there.

Here's the little buddy's 'before' shot.

I don't have his 'after' shot because, well, that would be just cruel. See, we were humming along great. Hair was falling, cheese was being eaten and Tucker was well on his way to being groomed homestyle.

Then, it happened. It. Happened.

I was snipping and he was squirming and all of a sudden he let out a little yelp.

And his life flashed before him. Along with a piece of his ear which I had unfortunately snipped off along with the hair that was attached.

I know, you're totally grossing out and wishing you hadn't started reading this riveting post.


At least I didn't take a picture of the ear that Olivia put in a ziplock bag in case the vet needed to sew it back on.

Sorry, again.

Anyway, trauma ensued complete with lots of blood and me getting all light-headed and queasy. Kind of like you're feeling right about now, I assume.

So, so, sorry but if I don't document these things somewhere, I will forget them and, like Israel, continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

Just so you'll sleep easy, Tucker is totally fine. Totally. He's been spoiled rotten all night and isn't walking lopsided at all.

He's looking a little lopsided - but walking fine.

And we're considering changing his name to Evander Holyfield. Or Van Gogh.

Or victim.

And for the record. When you make a really big mistake while grooming your dog, saying, "Oh, a myriad of words not meant for family friendly blogs!!!" really does nothing to help the situation but does provide a great distraction. Your innocent children might be so momentarily appalled, they might forget that you almost mortally wounded their dog with scissors while holding a piece of cheese.


Becca said...

oh my word this is hilarious and tragic all at once. seriously, poor tucker. Have I mentioned that Adam cuts our dog's hair and likes to give him "hilarious" hair styles? Last time, for instance, he decided to make him a "lion dog" and left him a mane while shaving the rest of him. Poor Maverick, he's the laughingstock of the hood. . . .

Candy said...

OK. This is why your readers are famished for your, let's say, inconsistency lately in posting. So: condolences to Tucker, forgetfulness to O & Sadie, and chalk one up for lesson learned. Maybe. Forty-eight is a bit high! I repent for my hasty reply last night. It's ridiculous. Did you try Cheap Cuts??

Love ya.

Dina said...

I'm gonna need to see an after picture of the dog!

Henley on the Horn said...

Oh, no, you didn't. I am going to go purge. You are hilarious. HA-Larious. Love it. Poor dog. I mean, poor little Van Gogh.

crashcourseinself said...

I applaud your bravery in sharing this post, as well as your wisdom in choosing a life form to practice on that can't talk back.

Unfortunately, my husband can. But I believe we're bound by laws that state a spouse can't incriminate another.

(Nothing saying he can't file charges against me but I'm fairly sure he can't afford child support if we divorce.)

Who said marriages are about love?

Misty said...

if i had dogs i would totally try cutting their hair myself too....i am cheap like that!! and please....we must see the after pic! :)

Patrick Lafferty said...

because we were not permitted to verify the remains of bin Laden, I think it is morally incumbent upon you to produce some evidence of the....asymmetrical coiffure.

I promise not to inform PETA

p.s. I'm not sure James Avery carries a locket of the size you'd need to keep your....memory, but you could ask.

Anonymous said...

My sister cut off a portion of our dog's ear (by accident) when we were younger. It scarred her more than the dog. And it sure does bleed a lot! I hope everyone recovers (physically and emotionally) soon. :)