Saturday, November 17, 2012


I had a conversation the other day with a friend's husband who was asking me what I did before I had kids.

Um, slept in on Saturdays, went to spontaneous movies, finished a sentence - or a complete thought, only did laundry once a week?  Is that what you mean?

He was actually asking me about my job - you know, what I did to earn all that money so I could make it rain at the Banana Republic.  It took me a second.  I mean, I knew who I worked for and what our company did, but I had a hard time remembering exactly what I did.  What were all those mad skills? 

It would be super if I could look at my old resume but it was collateral damage on a computer that crashed after Dea and Darius kept downloading "free" music.  It was our first lesson that 'ain't nothin' free in this world'.

Because t's been almost 14 years since I've worked, I'm a little bit curious about the marketability of my experience as a stay at home mom.  And so, just as a little exercise, I started thinking today about all the things I could's a smattering.  Or nine.

1. Hold a piece of cold fried chicken in one hand while separating my daughter,s super-glued fingers with nail polish remover.

2. Have a pretty decent library of items I can cook for 60.

3. Cook for 12 every night of the week for months.

4. Catch and release a mouse that's been lost in my car for weeks.

(Sadie actually did the releasing 'cause, you know, willies.)

4. Fix a washing machine.

5. Groom my own dog.*

6. Clean up and dispose of a neighbors dog who had been hit by a car.

7. Cornrow hair.*

8. Avoid the very crowded and 'black hole of time' emergency room by super-gluing an open head would back together.

9. Accidentally have my neighbor's dog put to sleep.

Now, my only hurdle is to somehow spin the above into some kind of skill-set that might actually benefit a business owned by a human person who might actually pay me some cash money.  Made even more difficult by the fact that number 5 also resulted in the maiming of my dog, and number 7 is a bald-faced lie.

I'll replace it with, 'learned to be honest'.